Timely Death, Inc.

Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, Duanne Allman, Kurt Cobain—What do these famous dead pop stars have in common? That's right; they all loved Velveeta. But more important, they had the moxie to die at the peak of their careers, thereby ensuring themselves pop-music immortality and decades of speculation about what further greatness they might have achieved. For only 10% of your future earnings, Timely Death Inc. can make you immortal too.

Buddy Holly, Otis Redding, Jim Croce, John Bonham, half of Lynyrd Skynyrd, Def Leppard's drummer's arm—Had any of these artists not died when they did, they would be pathetic has-beens now, languishing in alcoholic despair, mocked by critics, living for the occasional state fair or Indian casino gig where they would embarrass themselves. Paul McCartney should have stayed dead, but he didn't, and just look at how he has tarnished his legacy. John Lennon signed up with us and his place in the Hall of Fame is secure.

Some of you may be thinking you can handle this most important of career decisions yourself, but you can't, because you lack the perspective to time it right. Bob Marley is a successful client; Peter Tosh went way too soon ("Peter who?" you might be asking yourself). Had Shannon Hoon, Bon Scott, Randy Rhoades, or half of the Pretenders waited just a few albums longer, they too would be enjoying the status of martyred rock icon, but as it is, don't expect to see "James Honeyman Scott LIVES" spray-painted on a highway overpass anytime soon.

Going it alone you also risk waiting too long and fading to black after everyone has ceased to care. Then you'll end up like Keith Moon, Marvin Gaye, Karen Carpenter, Andy Gibb, Freddie Mercury, Jerry Garcia, or that guy from the Beach Boys. Only Elvis can get away with "leaving the building" after leaving the charts.

And if your career has already hit the dumpster? No problem; we'll enroll you in our Comeback 'n' Croak (tm) program in which we wring out all you have left in what looks to the world like a triumphant comeback, then you bite the big one while riding the crest of the wave. Roy Orbison is merely our latest successful graduate. We'll even let you choose your career-enhancement mechanism:

• The Classics:
  • Drug overdose
  • Car crash
  • Plane crash (group discounts available)
  • Choking on vomit (your own or other's)
  
  
• Suicide:
  • Gun
  • Jumping
  • Sex with groupies
  • Deliberate prolonged exposure to record company executives
  
  
• Heart attack:
  • During sex
  • During concert
  • While choking on vomit
  • While reading particularly nasty review
  
  
• Gunshot wound from: (choose one or combination)
  • Psychotic fan
  • Jealous band member
  • Rival rapper
  • Loved one
  
  
• Freak accident:
  • Stray drumstick lodging in skull
  • Electrocution from urinating on amp
  • Slipping in band member's vomit
  • Diving into non-existent mosh pit during MTV Unplugged
  
  
• Disease:
  • Anorexia
  • Spandex Asphyxia Syndrome
  • Allergic reaction to Kurt Loder
  • Something new that gets named after you (slight additional charge)
  
  

But how do you know when you are ready for Timely Death? Simply find where your career fits in the following categories:

Too Soon:

• Usher

• Dido

• Fountains of Wayne

• Outkast

Getting Close:

• Coldplay

• Norah Jones

• The White Stripes

• Audioslave

Ready Now:

• Green Day

• Eminem

• Foo Fighters

• R. Kelly

Past Due:

• Jewel

• Alanis Morisette

• Oasis

• Blur

Way Past Due:

• R.E.M.

• Red Hot Chili Peppers

• Bruce Springsteen

• Pearl Jam

Comeback 'n' Croak Candidates:

• David Lee Roth

• Ricki Lee Jones

• Boy George

• The Knack

Don't settle for an average career. Call Timely Death today and be solid gold for eternity.