January 6, 2015
Are you a Seattleite completely uninterested in football, yet are forced to interact with other Seattleites, most of whom are insufferable Seahawk fans? Then you'll want to subscribe to HawkTalk™, my new service that provides you with three things to say each week during the playoffs, things that will make you sound knowledgeable enough to pass as a fan and not be outed.
For this first playoff game, try the free samples below, but it will be $5 for the NFC championship game and $15 for the the Super Bowl because there's two weeks to get through. How do I know the Seahawks will be in the Super Bowl? Hey, I told you Seahawk fans are insufferable.
I know what some of you are thinking: "Why should I pay you for Seahawk talking points when the Seattle Times had a ten-page full-color special Seahawks section today, the day before the game--which is only a divisional playoff--and I'm pretty sure that if a white cop with Ebola shot Obama on a Malaysian airliner, they'd have six pages, tops?"
Well let me ask you a question: Do you really want to read those ten pages?
January 16, 2015
Welcome back, valued customers. We know there are many sports-babble outlets and we thank you for choosing HawkTalk™, the #1 provider of Seahawk-speak for the non-football fan who dreads 12th-man ostracism. But don't take our word for it; just listen to these actual client testimonials:
There you have it, just three among dozens who have successfully side-stepped
the bandwagon. Sign up today, non-Seahawk fans, because "You don't have to walk
the walk if you can talk the Hawk."®
January 31, 2015
Welcome, HawkTalk™ Platinum members! There is no more regular HawkTalk™ as all your checks bounced and/or the credit cards you submitted were phony. Also, this is the Super Bowl and at the Super Bowl, everything is for platinum members, so if you plan on watching the game on a screen less than 60" diagonally, then just scroll down to the video of the cat getting kicked in the groin.
OK non-football-fans, you've made it this far. Despite the Seahawks' 3-3 start and your vision boards of them losing in the playoffs, your worst fears have been realized and now due to social forces beyond your control, you will be attending a Super Bowl party instead of hitting Costco or Pike Place Market when they are as ghost towns. Relax. Breathe. Remember your training. You can do this.
"But I bet there's gonna be, like, NO LINE at Paseo's Sunday afternoon!"
Shhh... It's OK, hon. There there. Stay calm. HawkTalk™'s here for you. Let HawkTalk™ stroke your hair. Blue & green doesn't look good on anyone, and Paseo's is closed on Sundays.
Now let's get to it. Success on Sunday is all about positive imagery, so envision yourself at your brother-in-law's house, surrounded by 12s, TVs in every room are blaring the game, including the kids' room where you usually hide. You're wearing a borrowed Seahawks jersey and you don't even know which player it is. And then someone asks your opinion of deflate-gate. Do you say:
A) "Belichik's rich history of cheating in the NFL--and his marriage, by the way--merits a lifetime ban."
B) "Look! Lenny Kravitz and Katy Perry are re-enacting the Ray Rice elevator scene!" then flee to the porch to finish the joint you half-smoked on the way over because--unlike Belichik's behavior--that's perfectly legal.
C) "I'm just here so I won't get fined."
Any of the above will move the chains. (You do too know what that means by now.) Keep in mind the Super Bowl atmosphere will be different; chiefly, more drinking, making it hard to recall lengthy talking points, so we'll keep these last lines brief and usable at almost any time during the game:
"Should that Wilfork guy even be playing? He's well into his second trimester and this can't be good for the baby."
"You know why Tom Brady's gorgeous? Because the Patriots always draft QBs for looks: Drew Bledsoe, Scott Zolak, Doug Flutie, Tony Eason, Jim Plunkett. OK, Steve Grogan was an outlier, but I stand by the general thesis."
[whenever a sucky commercial comes on] "They paid $5 million for THAT?"
"Gun to my head? Richard Sherman. Definitely."
"Every Brandon Browner penalty, do a shot!"
"This is really good guacamole, hostess_name."
"I like Edelman. I think the league could use more tiny Jews."
And if you remember nothing else, remember to hold up a raised palm after any tackle made by Seahawk #31; it will be slapped enthusiastically. You then say "Bam Bam!"