Goodbye Hummer

Hello Buick supercharged 3/4-ton dual-rear 4x4 Assault Wagon


A grocery getter that gets more than groceries. It gets respect
In this Buick, when you pick up the kids at soccer practice, practice is over right now. When you drop off the dry cleaning, it will be ready by 5, even without the ticket. Suddenly, every gas station is full serve, and at drive-through restaurants, you can do just that. “May I take your orders?” You bet they can.

The race is not always to the swift
What Assault Wagon lacks in acceleration, it more than makes up for in reduced trip times, because slower traffic always keeps right. Or left. A little LeSabre rattling assures you of a clear lane wherever you choose to drive. Straddle the double-yellow if you like; we don't think anyone will mind. In fact, they’ll pull off the road just to get a better look at Buick’s timeless Dyna-Threat styling.

Parking is never a problem
Despite Assault Wagon’s ponderous proportions, even a shopping mall parking lot the weekend before Christmas provides endless accommodation, because Assault Wagon’s 20-inch studded knobby tires bite hard, into bare asphalt or the roofs of lesser vehicles. Convenience is no afterthought—it’s built-in.


They won’t yield the right of way; they’ll surrender it unconditionally
To motorists thinking of merging in front of you, Assault Wagon’s bold lines and masculine elegance whisper “I don’t think so.” And when it’s your turn to merge, you’ll blend effortlessly into traffic, across as many lanes as you wish. No more pesky glancing to the left. You’ll forget you even have a horn, because your message always comes through loud and clear. Driving Assault Wagon means the light is always green, even when it isn’t.

Unprecedented courtesy is standard equipment
Fellow motorists will signal their lane changes well in advance, perhaps hours. Hand gestures will include all fingers. Oncoming traffic will dim their high beams, or you can do it for them with a push of a button. And when the no-nonsense grill of Assault Wagon fills their rear-view mirror, they’re going to put down that cell phone and drive as they’ve never driven before.

Don’t wait for trouble; it’s not waiting for you
Whether you’re a survivalist or just a survivor, Assault Wagon is your best choice for thwarting a carjacking or preparing for the complete

breakdown of civilization. Because you know that the post-Apocalypse world will be just as hectic and mobile as before. While others cower in their shelters or get stuck in the cratered remains of highways, you’ll own the wasteland, climbing effortlessly over rubble and those suddenly-not-so-smart economy cars, taking what you need and hauling it back to your compound, thanks to Assault Wagon’s 3-way doorgate. The optional fold-down third seat means you can accommodate loot or looters with equal ease. And 16 cupholders means no more choosing between spilling lattes or fumbling for ammo.

More than a statement; it’s an ultimatum
Even if Armageddon is a ways off, Assault Wagon spares you the bother of affixing “Back Off” mudflaps, “Protected by Smith & Wesson” bumper stickers, or other truck-stop drollery, because no one will get close enough to your stern to read anything; a simple swing of the 360-degree turret moistens the seat of any tailgater. Besides, Assault Wagon drivers don’t usually care to tell what they ©, who’s on board, what their other car is, what they brake for (very little), which radio station they like, or what they’d rather be doing.

Wouldn’t you really rather have a Buick?
Especially one that can turn traffic jams into smoldering debris?

©1996 Bill Muse