Deadly Questions

A recent issue of a women’s magazine listed five questions that a woman should never ask her man:

·        “What are you thinking?”

·        “Do you love me?”

·        “Do I look fat?”

·        “Do you think she is prettier than me?”

·        “What would you do if I died?”

If you are a man, your palms are sweating just reading these. You know each question is a land mine, a land mine that will explode for days. But what if your gal didn’t catch that particular issue? She might not know not to ask, so be ready. Here are the answers you need, along with some sample wrong answers to steer clear of.

Question 1: “What are you thinking?”

The correct answer is "Nothing, dear." Don’t swing for the fence and say something like “How much I love you” because one of the reasons you fell for her is that she can detect your bullshit when it’s only 3 parts per million. And never say what you are really thinking about:

·        Sports

·        Cars

·        Sports cars

·        How pretty that girl over there is

·        How fat she's getting

Question 2: “Do you love me?”

This one's easy; the answer is always "Yes." Wrong answers include:

·        “Usually.”

·        “Define ‘love’.”

·         “You could call it that, yeah.”

·        [long pause followed by anything]

·        “Yow, check out that babe.”

Question 3: “Do I look fat?”

The correct answer is an emphatic “No” as you suddenly leave the room. Honesty here could be lethal:

·        “Compared to...?”

·        “More of you to love, my dumpling.”

·        “Actually, you look better heavier like this.”

·        “Not to me, darling. To everyone else, yes.”

·        “I don't know. I try not to look.”

Question 4: “Do you think she's pretty?”

The she in question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by, an actress—whatever. In any case, the correct answer is, “No” or possibly a casual “I hadn’t really given it any thought.” But if a night on the couch is what you crave, try one of these:

·        “I’ve never been interested in pretty women.”

·        [staring at pretty passer-by] “...I'm sorry, what?”

·        “Oh, she might be pretty now. But wait'll she gets to be your age.”

·        “Sweetheart, the day I met you I lost all interest in women.”

·        “Not pretty. Cute maybe. Sexy certainly. I mean check out those—OW!”

Question 5: “What would you do if I died?”

Best response: “I can't even imagine life without you” then change the subject. Don't actually think about it or you'll say something like:

·        “I dunno. Call a mortician?”

·        “This isn't about the insurance, is it? Did they cancel you?”

·        “If you'll let me get my notes, I can tell you exactly.”

·        “Get the alibi set and toss my Bruno Maglis.”

·        “Pretty much what I'm doing now, but without motels.”


OK, men. Now there are five fewer questions you are unprepared for. But wait; there's more. Here are five questions you men should never ask a woman:

·        “Did you come?”

·        “Is my penis big?”

·        “I'm as fit as I ever was, right?”

·        “Am I going bald?”

·        “What would you do if I had an affair?”

But suppose you like to live dangerously, or you’re just not bright. These things happen and they’re not your fault. You can’t be expected to remember every stupid piece of advice you get from a magazine. After all, you have important things to think about, like lunch and sex. What can you expect if you slip up and ask one of these questions?

Question 1: “Did you come?”

The hoped-for response is “Yes, several times [sigh]”. But if you’re with a woman who has a moral aversion to lying, brace yourself for one of these:

·        “What, you mean that's it?”

·        “Orgasms are not important to me, dear.”

·        “Shhh. I'm trying to watch TV.”

·        “Yes, if you mean come in the sense of arriving at a particular location at a certain time.”

·        “Oh yes. I always yawn like that when I climax.”

Question 2: “Is my penis big?”

Ask a doctor if you must ask at all. Asking a woman, especially if she’s in a foul mood, leaves you wide open:

·         “Compared to... ?”

·         “No, but boy is it fast.”

·        “Oh, honey, size doesn't matter.”

·         “Remember what you always say: ‘more than a mouthful’s a waste’.”

·        “Well, it's bigger than your brother’s.”

Question 3: “I'm as fit as I ever was, right?”

If you were, you’d know it. If you feel compelled to seek reassurance, odds are you ain’t exactly Evander Holyfield, and she might hint at that:

·        “Hey, remember that ‘more of you to love’ crap? Right back atcha, sport.”

·        “Sadly, that's true.”

·        “Some women find pot bellies attractive. Or so I've read.”

·        “Paunch of Steel--that’s you.”

·        “Sure. I bet Jack LaLanne’s face also turns red when he uses a manual can opener.”

Question 4: “Am I going bald?”

You would only ask if you were, which means it’s just a matter of time before you look like a roll-on deodorant. Don’t borrow grief from the future by letting her zing you with these:

·        “Some women think bald men are virile. Probably the same ones who like potbellies.”

·        “Well, your head might have less hair, but your ears, nose, and back are picking up the slack.”

·        “You mean to say there might be some other reason your part has been migrating toward the middle of your ear?”

·        “What do you mean ‘going’, cue ball.

·        “Yes, but it kinda goes with your paunch and your cute little penis.”

Question 5: “What would you do if I had an affair?”

Oh please. She knows that when you ask this you’re just trying to see how much trouble you’d be in if you got caught. If you’re looking for something along the lines of "We’d have to talk it out, honey”, dream freaking on. This is where you get grabbed by the short & curlies:

·        “Well, first I'd check to see if I needed ammo.”

·        “I'll give you a hint: What starts with A, and ends with LIMONY? And I’d make you take the kids.”

·        “I'd call my lawyer, Ripley’s Believe It Or Not, and 911 for you. In that order.”

·        “I guess I’d tell you about mine.”

·        “What are you saying? You found a woman who likes fat bald guys with tiny schlongs?”